dear diary ~ a testing time

This is another of those posts written over many days – so instead of taking time to edit and rewrite I will be leaving it as it was written on the day and just add updates as I go along.

The following was written on Monday July 10th after we got back home the last time from visiting mum in North Yorkshire.

I have been busy these last few days – it is hard to keep our house in any reasonable condition when we are just spending our time coming and going. There is only time to attend appointments, do the washing and ironing and prepare some meals to pack and take with us to eat before we go up to North Yorkshire again and stay in mum’s flat. Yesterday I managed to plant some of the annuals I grew earlier in the year; my brother has been ‘plant sitting’ for me while we have been away as there was no-one here to water them during these hot spells.

Last Saturday (July 8th) we decided that come hell or high water we were going to have a day to ourselves and go out somewhere. We packed a picnic lunch and looked at the Open Gardens website for gardens open that day in Derbyshire. Only one was open on the Saturday in a little village called Eyam which we know quite well.

We took our time getting there, stopping in the village of Bradfield where some of my relatives come from. We had elevenses at the old post office and a walk around past the new community hall, over the little bridges and back across the cricket field.

We stopped at Foolow for lunch by the duck pond – though there were no ducks this time only rain.

By the time we had finished lunch the rain had diminished to a drizzle and we walked across to the little chapel which is open to visitors (and they offer free tea and coffee and biscuits inside).

By the time we parked the car in Eyam it was obvious that umbrellas would be needed but it didn’t deter us from going around the gardens.

We began at Eyam Hall and followed the route through the village. I love to have a chat with ‘the gardener’ and discuss plants with them and I am always on the lookout for interesting ideas.

As many of you may know Eyam is quite famous as it is the village where the plague of 1665 / 66 began and the village isolated itself to stop the spread. A bit like our recent lockdowns.

Although it is a pretty peak district village it holds many sad tales as the plaques outside many of the cottages tell.

Many a family were completely wiped out and the book in the church lists all the names of those who died. A rather beautiful yet poignant stained glass window in the church commemorates the event.

Two of the open gardens held a special interest for me – the one below was once the land of a small coaching inn on the square. It was a lovely relaxed style garden but it was his magnificent barn that, in my opinion, was to die for.

Inside the barn, which he used as a tool store and potting shed, there was every implement you could want hung around the four walls. He was quite a serious gardener growing his own food and keeping chickens too and recycling a lot of materials in ingenious ways.

The other garden was so photographic it would make a good magazine spread for Country Living.

Tucked away at the end of a run of cottages along a narrow track is the Vintage Tea garden offering refreshments to visitors.

So many little seating areas to discover as you edge your way along narrow paths between the plants and crouch low under the home made rustic pergolas groaning under the weight of honeysuckle and roses.

We ended the walk around with a hot cup of tea and the satisfaction of a lovely day out.

And that is as far as I got with the post as the next few days were a mad rush to do a few household chores and to prepare, repack and make meals to take up with us to mum’s flat for our next visit the following Thursday (July 13th) whilst helping my daughter with Master Freddie.

Thursday July 20th

I am now sitting at the kitchen table while Master Freddie is having a bit of a nap (too many late nights recently) on our settee and DH has gone to do a bit of food shopping. Freddie stayed over with us last night as his new little brother, baby Chocolate, is at this moment in recovery after an operation in hospital. It appears so far that the op was a success but the affects of the anaesthesia and spinal block will not be known straight away – I pray to God that he has no breathing difficulties or neurological damage arising from administering the anaesthetics that the surgeon mentioned was a risk.

We only came back from our 6 day visit to mum last Tuesday night and even now I have barely unpacked. I have even had to have my thyroxine levels checked with the endocrinology department in Leeds as I feel so awful at the moment- they took blood the same day as my phone call to them and I received the results only a day or two later (such a wonderful service and so different to the NHS ordeal my mum went through). My levels are fine so all the palpitations and tremors must just be stress related.

I slept like a log on Tuesday night we both did – more from sheer exhaustion – and we rose quite late but I wasn’t going to feel guilty about it. It was my birthday but to be honest I didn’t have the energy to do anything as I was so tired and we had Master Freddie to stay from teatime onwards. If it hadn’t been for the lovely cards and messages my friends and family had sent I might just have overlooked it altogether this year. DH did surprise me with a new Persephone book by Dorothy Whipple called High Wages (goodness knows how he found the time to order it and be here to receive it!) Mum appeared oblivious to the fact it was soon my birthday she was far too busy complaining about anything and everything during the three hour visits we made over the six days we stayed up there. She is unable to get out of bed by herself and requires two care staff at all times to support her getting up from the bed as she is still quite wobbly and weak.

There was occasionally a glimmer of hope when she seemed quite cheerful during our first two visits – more determined to get mobile again and cooperated with the staff and physios for a couple of days. They had managed to get her out of bed and walking with the zimmer frame out to the corridor with them supporting her. They are also getting her up and sitting in a chair for her meals which is progress. They are doing everything they can to get her mobile and independant enough to go home, but as we left on Tuesday evening she had been back in bed for 2 full days refusing to get out and sit in the chair that she claims gives her headache. She told my sister she will only get out of bed when they take her back to her flat. It seems progress is one step forward and three backwards.

One minute she is too hot and then too cold, the pillows are never positioned correctly and everyone is against her and she continues to shout at the carers. One day they said she had buzzed for them 40 times in about 15 minutes and they had to be quite stern with her. We are all at our wits end, including the staff who are baffled by her behaviour and they deal with quite demanding dementia patients on a daily basis.

I am finding it a struggle to keep my patience with her – she is 97 after all and must be quite concerned for her future but the visiting is draining when she complains for most of the 3 hours and then again when I phone her each evening and I cannot make any of it alright for her.

I wish I could.

Our visits are wearing us down but I cannot see that she will make it back to her home, yet if she remains in a care home permanently it will be miserable for all of us and trying to keep up the visiting everyday is not really an option long term.

Oh well not much I can do but take it a day at a time – it is the unpredictability that starts to become stressful and no end in sight.

If you have made it this far it was good of you all to listen to my woes. I am not normally a person given to depression but I do feel rather miserable and run down at the moment – it helps to write about it and I am sure there will be many of you going through similar troubles in your life. I hope in comparison that you enjoyed the photos of our day out to Derbyshire as much as we enjoyed the trip out.

Thank you for all the kind comments on my last post, it means so much to share news good and bad.

Further update – Baby Chocolate is doing very well tonight after the operation and hopefully will continue to do so and be home soon.

Bye for now – hopefully some kind of normal life will resume and I will post again soon.

Take care everyone xx