Posted on by wherethejourneytakesme

dear diary ~ the sound of emptiness

I felt an overriding sense of sadness yesterday knowing that the grandchildren are now in school and my house is so very, very quiet. No little voices saying ‘granny can I……’

Over the summer months I have felt like I have been living in Legoland whilst every flat surface has been claimed to display one or other of the Lego sets that once belonged to my two daughters. I had the good sense to squirrel them away in the loft when they left home for such an occasion as having grandchildren. We have the airport, police station, fire station, restaurant, riding school, hospital and chalet and the grandchildren have just loved building each one with some expert help from grandad the architect.

Over the last 2 or 3 weeks we also introduced them to the fun of a nature walk, gathering blackberries to make crumbles and searching out bits and pieces for granny’s nature table – swapping out the beach pebbles and shells for pine cones and sycamore keys and discovering magical things like skeleton leaves. I especially love displaying our autumn finds with the earthy colours and lots of textures. I didn’t have time to glycerine the leaves though so they will soon shrivel and crumble away, but no matter part of the fun was in finding them. I am watching the laden Spanish conker tree that is overhanging the wall in someone’s front garden on the way to the village and waiting patiently for the first ones to fall onto the pavement.

I am already missing the energy that they bring to the house but Sweetie left me with this lovely picture she made to cheer me up.

Yesterday morning we deposited DH’s car at the garage and then went to Sainsbury’s for some food. We each have a trolley and do a scan shop so that we can take advantage of all the smart shop reductions, the general nectar reductions and the nectar points, but it is hard work co-ordinating everything. Often for the same item DH will be given more points than me or vice versa, so of course we use the nectar card that will provide the better reward. Being as frugal as possible takes a good deal of time.

When we arrived home on Saturday we had very little in the fridge and no fresh fruit and veg but luckily the pantry is well stocked with tinned and dry goods and we had bread and a pizza in the freezer. It is good to see the fruit dish full again and although I have a few tomatoes ripening in the garden (I bought Totem patio variety again this year and mine are the assortment of sizes below) we needed to buy extra so we can make soup. This week the large Jubilee variety were on offer – excellent for tomato soup and DH got points for the cherry vine ones.

I often make ice lollies to keep in the freezer from cartons of juice for the grandchildren and these packets of Cawston pressed fruit caught my eye – no added sugar or sweeteners and of course so much cheaper than buying lollies.

Sainsbury’s is currently having a sale on homewares and electricals. I am now on the lookout for little Christmas presents and these two items caught my eye. I think I might make up a little basket of a bottle of homemade drink and some nibbles to go with these little wooden coasters and I will make table mats with the tea towels. The coasters were reduced from £8. to £5.33 and the tea towels £6.50 reduced to £4.33.

Looking through the old photos for yesterday’s post I came across this one from 1966 which made me smile. I mentioned in recent posts that I am always left pushing the pram when we go out with the family (I love it of course) and this picture shows me in training when my younger sister was born. This is certainly a vintage pushchair haven’t they changed so much over the years? This one no doubt would have been second hand like the cot – people didn’t often buy new in those days.

I would have just finished my first year at grammar school when this was taken so would be about twelve and my dad had bought me my first sewing machine a year before because I was mad keen on sewing. Mum of course would have knitted the cardigans. I cannot believe how young she looks here. I remember making my sister’s little dress from this pattern – I think my gran made mine (she was a tailoress by trade and started me sewing at age 6) – the A line and shift styles were so easy to make I was soon making my own dresses and a few tunic tops for my mum and a neighbour.

Not only does the house seem empty but I too feel empty – I didn’t sleep well last night as my mum is constantly on my mind. The social worker had another meeting with her and the home care carers yesterday and of course being so far away I couldn’t attend. Although the social worker said she would ring and update me afterwards it was perhaps too much to hope she would contact me straight away. I am concerned that she has got everything in place for mum to go home next Monday and that she has rung to check that the lift is now working in the apartment block where she lives as it has been out of order many times recently.

Since all this started with mum’s fall back in May I have had to keep notes of every conversation that I have and jot down who with on what date at what time. It is exhausting. I feel like I am always chasing and complaining and that isn’t who I am and it is making me feel like I am a bad person. It appears unless you get a bit stroppy nothing gets done.

I think there are many people going through the same issues with the care system. It is not until you are involved that you realise how complex and useless it is. I am so worried now about DH and I becomming ill and what our daughter’s might be up against in the future as we age (which inevitably we will do). Something needs to be done but who is going to listen?

It was quite heavy rain yesterday and much cooler, quite refreshing really and the dry borders will be well soaked. To help cheer me up DH made a hearty leek and lentil stew for our evening meal which we had with a crusty roll – proper comfort food.

Oh well…… here’s to a better day today. x

23 Replies to “dear diary ~ the sound of emptiness”

  1. Interesting – it says I can reply to the email notification to make a comment – so let’s see . . .

    What an absolutely lovely summer; no wonder the house feels so quiet now. Still, half term isn’t so far away really.

    The whole social care thing is utterly broken – I feel so much for you and hope there is an acceptable answer just around the next corner. xx

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  2. Our homes are all much the same, Lego, bits collected on walks, we have a growing collection of dolls, I am thinking of sorting the toy boxes and passing some things on. My tomatoes are still doing well, but I live along the south coast, I have been freezing loads for winter soups. Both our younger grandchildren have allergies, so I have made their lollies this summer, which they have loves. Reading the comments from your last post, social care for the elderly is in chaos, daughter is struggling with them for the care packages needed for George to start school next September.

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    2. We have found out from the news that our council Kirklees is £49 million in debt so no doubt many of our services will be cut. I hope your daughter manages a good package for George. My colleague at work had to fight hard for her daughter Kelly.

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  4. Thank you for explaining how to leave a comment in your previous post. I have been following along faithfully, but hadn’t been able to figure it out.
    So nice that your grandchildren are making good use of the Legos. I understand that empty feeling after they leave. I always find it necessary to keep myself extra busy in an attempt to keep my mind off of it.
    Between the time you spent introducing your grandchildren to nature walks and your own grandmother teaching you to sew at a young age, I am reminded of the important role we grandparents can play in a young life.

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    2. I lived at my grans until I was 2 and after that saw her every week. I loved it when she gave me her material scraps to make dolls clothes with. In later life, after my fashion training, I had a boutique in the 70’s mostly all my own designs made up. When we put on a fashion show my gran (then aged 81) came to stay for the week to help me make some of the garments. So yes they play an enormous role in your early life.

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  5. I can so relate to this post (but for Lego, read “Sylvanian Families” in this house) I’m very glad to discover there is another couple who take separate trolleys round Sainsbury’s to maximise the nectar rewards! And as for making those little A line dresses for my daughters…Last Sunday was Harvest Festival… Autumn is on its way!

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  6. You are certainly not a bad person, never think that, you are a daughter, who loves her Mom, and wants the best for her.
    You are fighting and doing your best against an uncaring, dysfunctional broken, unfit for use system.
    Going on my experience, you’ll probably get that phone call from the SW, two weeks next Tuesday after your Mum’s been home for a week. Lol
    I hope all goes well on Monday, try to rest up this weekend if you can Sandra x

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  7. My children loved Lego when they were little and it is safely stored in the loft for any future generations. No grandchildren yet. We also have boxes of Brio waiting for little hands to enjoy playing with again and Tiny Tears, Action man etc.
    So lovely that you have been gently introducing the joys of nature to your grandchhildren wth a small tray display of items found on walks with them.
    I do feel for you with all the care needs of your dear mum to deal with. So hard for you when all you want is for her to be happy and be safe.
    Thinking of you
    Beverley (formally meand mysmallcorner )

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    1. Thank you for your comment – all the comments are appreciated and help to keep me feeling more cheerful among the doom and gloom of trying to understand the system. I do wish we had kept even more toys now – the 35 year old Sindy kitchen does need a revamp – grandad keeps trying to hold it together with the superglue – but it is good they all get so much pleasure from it.

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  8. I am sorry you are feeling low. I often think that my mum is lucky to live in a different country, where the care system is not so broken. I really feel your pain and sorrow. I hope your mum gets home ok and settles in well. As for the lego, ours is all boxed up, waiting for grandchildren, one day. Sending you a virtual hug.

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  9. The system is indeed broken, and I can understand your concern as you advocate on behalf of your mum. I hope you can find some sort of time for yourself in between navigating the care system and caring for your grandchildren.
    Lego was never very popular in this house but I still have many toys which I will be keeping hold of. Xx

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  10. It sounds like your grandchildren have enjoyed a wonderful summer building lego and taking nature walks. We’ve kept boxes of certain toys just in case grandchildren should come along. Everything is so expensive that it makes sense to hang on to things like lego and brio. I hope you’re further on by now with the arrangements for your mum’s care. It seems that so many departments are involved with one person’s care and they don’t communicate with each other, it can be so draining. Keeping a note of every phone call is a good idea.

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  11. Isn’t it amazing how prams have changed!?

    Hope your mum gets home OK. So worrying for you. When I was at my mum’s for nearly two months last year, I had a friend who was also caring for her mum. We both love our mothers but needed to vent to someone who understood what we were going through, the maze of aged care supports and the painfulness of our mothers. Most people think we are being mean spirited by complaining. They didn’t and don’t get you can love your mother at the same time as finding her so frustrating as she won’t do what she needs and just leaves so much to her daughter.

    Make sure you care for yourself.

    I am sure the holidays with grandkids will come around quickly. Wishing you some lovely times with them.

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  12. Just wanted you to know I am thinking about you and hope you are all ok. Love and best wishes.

    Beverley

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